Category Archives: Mediocre

The Adjustment Bureau (2011)

From Amazon Prime:

A prominent politician meets a beautiful ballerina and instantly falls in love. However, when mysterious men conspire to keep the pair apart, he is forced to make the wrenching choice between his predetermined path and the only woman he has ever loved.

From Amazon Prime you can stream this 1 hour 46 minute romantic fantasy film.

Matt Damon has managed to keep getting acting roles.  As a person he is very appealing while as an actor he is so-so.  Speaking of so-so, so is this foolish plot. Supposedly there is this supernatural bureaucracy that plots the life of each person and keeps that plot in some magical notebook.  Need I go on?

Pleasant enough to watch. Give it a B minus.

In the Shadow of the Moon (2019)

From IMDB:

In 1988, Philadelphia police officer Thomas Lockhart (Boyd Holbrook), hungry to become a detective, begins tracking a serial killer who mysteriously resurfaces every nine years. But when the killer’s crimes begin to defy all scientific explanation, Locke’s obsession with finding the truth threatens to destroy his career, his family, and possibly his sanity.

From Netflix you can stream this 1 hour 55 minute complete  Netflix Original film.

In this B+ sci-fi yarn officer Thomas Lockhart get older and more desperate and determined in each of the portions of the film which are separated by 9 years.  As time progresses his relation with his daughter Sarah becomes increasingly difficult, so much so that Sarah eventually lives with Thomas’ brother Holt played by Michael C. Hall (of “Six Feet Under” fame).  Holt is also a detective in the police force and never gives up on Thomas’ seemingly crazy quest.  Actually Thomas in on the correct “crazy” track because every 9 years the killer returns from the future on her mission.

Expect a plot surprise at the conclusion.  While the film is nothing special, the somewhat original plot conceit held my interest.

Royal Deceit (1994)

From Kanopy:

An ancient Danish story of evil, power and human spirit, that subsequently inspired William Shakespeare on his tragedy, Hamlet. When the king of Jutland is murdered by his brother, the dark prince claims both the throne and Queen Geruth. Although her son saw the murder, he feigns madness to spare his life.

From Kanopy you can stream this 28 year old film lasting 108 minutes.

Somehow, way back in 1994, the film got past the censors.  Have you ever seen a naked Helen Mirren?  Indeed, there is a lot of nudity in the film.

Give credit to the fact that the filming of this medieval tale hopefully stayed true to the Norse conditions of the time.  Buildings are humble and crude. Clothing is rudimentary.  Weapons and warfare are amateur affairs.  Somehow, killing a man  by simply sticking a short knife somewhere in his body just does not look convincing.

Delivery of the spoken lines is a bit stilted.

Watching a film that is 28 years old gives us a chance to see what familiar actors looked like way back then. And what a difference!

  • Christian Bale as prince Amled was 20 years old.
  • Gabriel Byrne as the evil brother Fenge was 44 years old.
  • Helen Mirren as queen Geruth was 49 years old.
  • Kate Beckinsale as Ethel was 21 years old.
  • Tom Wilkinson as king Hardvendel was 46 years old.

 

Glitch (2019)

From Netflix:

A police officer and a doctor face an emotionally charged
mystery when seven local residents inexplicably return
from the dead in peak physical form.

From IMDB:

Six people return from the dead with no memory and attempt to unveil what brought them to the grave in the first place.

From Netflix you can patiently (if that is possible in this sad case) stream 3 seasons of unreality. Each season contains 6 wonder-filled episodes of about 54 minutes length.

Succinctly put, these 18 episodes present almost acceptable nonsense for the truly bored.   Each of the “arisen” was murdered in his or her former life and have been given a chance to discover the murderer and to right past wrongs.  At least at first my attention was fixated on amending past injustice. In addition, there are actually some small patches of good acting and character interaction. Unfortunately there was an equal amount of really bad, maudlin (i.e. weeping) acting. As time wore on, good guys became bad guys and sometime became good guys again. Moreover when the plot devolved into the hero-villains trying to save the universe from ending,  I almost threw in the towel. For better or worse I persisted to the end. Now I have to find another trash series.

Waste no time on this clunker.

Hollywood (2020)

From Netflix:

While waiting for his big break, aspiring movie star Jack Castello accepts a job at a local service station that pumps more than just gas.

From Netflix you can stream the 7 episodes of this soap opera. Each episode runs between 45 and 58 minutes.

Maudlin. Salacious. Corny. Subtle as a brick. Clichéd. Barely acceptable trash. Maudlin. Raunchy. Preachy. Woke. Terrible acting. Production errors.  And the list could go on.

My college freshman rhetoric teacher suggested that in order to better appreciate good examples of a given art discipline such as literature, music, and film, it helps to experience the bad examples. Well, with this film we now have a golden opportunity to experience one of the lesser achievements of the movie industry.

“Golden Tip Gasoline” is a gas pumping station that doubles as a gas pimping station for the young male gas attendants who will “fill your tank” if the customer uses the code word “dreamland”, no matter if that customer is male or female.   Not only all these attendants but also their boss and some customers have Hollywood aspirations. One way for such a gas pumper to get his start is to service those customers who are part of the Hollywood management nobility. Instead of casting couches it seems there were casting nozzles.

Rather than merely prurient attractions, this story offers a noble sub-theme: No longer would the film industry suppress black,  gay, and women actors.

Indeed from the goings-on we might suspect that half of Hollywood consisted of closeted gays .  As an example: One client, say Jake, is so stupid that when he drives up to engage Archie Coleman he can’t remember the word “Dreamland”. But they hook up and eventually fall in love.  Jake is told he cannot act. Nonetheless he forges ahead.  Because he could not remember two lines, his first screen text required 67 takes. Because Jake is as handsome as he is stupid, some producer accepts him but says “Jake” is not an acceptable screen name and must be changed to ROCK HUDSON (get it?). His boyfriend Archie is a black man (horrors!) who wants to become a screen writer. Camille Washington is a black woman (even worse!) who wants to have some screen role other than playing a maid (uppity!). And so it goes on and on for 7 episodes.

Is this a satire? Have I missed something here?

If you can last till episode 7, which is aptly named “A Hollywood Ending”,  you will be rewarded with a happy, sappy ending. Amen!

But just remember I LOVE TRASH!

Agatha Christie’s Crooked House (2017)

From IMDB:

In Agatha Christie’s most twisted tale, a spy-turned-private-detective is lured by his former lover to catch her grandfather’s murderer before Scotland Yard exposes dark family secrets.

From Netflix you can stream this 2 hour complete film.

Both aging actors and young players unite to produce a classic  but somewhat dull and badly acted Agatha Christie mystery story. Among the aged are Glenn Close (elegant and beautiful),  Gillian Anderson (tired in a really ugly black wig), Terence Stamp (what an immense resumé) , and Julian Sands.  Gillian Anderson has done herself no favor with her exaggerated (embarrassing?) performance.

Except for finally learning which of these awful people is the killer, there is not much to gain is watching this sad, mediocre work.

 

Gone For Good (2021)

From Netflix:

Ten years after losing two loved ones, a man is plunged into another dizzying mystery when his girlfriend vanishes. Based on a Harlan Coben novel.

From Netflix you can stream the 6 episodes, each episode less than one hour, of the serialized adaptation of Coben’s 2001 novel of the same name. French with English subtitles.

Even the reviews of Coben’s novel complain that this is not one of his better novels.  Confusing plot twists, hard to accept events, and other defects, despite the many action sequences, make the story sadly forgettable.

In fact, I was tempted to stop watching the series.  Either read a different Coben novel or find a film adaptation of some other Coben story.

Forget it!

Things Heard And Seen (2021)

From IMDB:

An artist relocates to the Hudson Valley and begins to suspect that her marriage has a sinister darkness, one that rivals her new home’s history.

From Netflix you can stream this 2 hour 1 minute horror film.

What! You waste your time on a horror film? Normally I would not except that since Grantchester I have not seen any sign of James Norton who played the priest sidekick to Robson Green’s detective. In this film James Norton plays George Claire alongside Amanda Seyfried who plays his wife Catherine Claire.  Somehow a horror film seems a step down for Norton.

Less a real grewsome horror film, the story is the gradual unpeeling of the layers of deceit which comprise George Claire. Granted there are a few ghosts haunting their house which is infamous for its tragic history.  And there is no harm in a hokey séance.   In a way the entire film is somewhat hokey.

At least give Norton some acting credit.  He can play a good man as in GrantchesterBut he can portray really evil people as in this film as well as in Happy Valley with Sarah Lancashire.

In fact you would do well to watch Happy Valley instead of this horror of a film.

Donald Strachey (2005)

From Amazon Prime you can stream the following 4 films whose main character is the gay detective Donald Strachey.

To rate each of these films as B+ is generous.  Think of them as an amusing and diverting series of acceptable trash.  Plots can be complicated.  Throughout the series you will see the same actors in the major roles.  Any mild suspense is short-lived.

Third Man Out (2005) 1 hr 39 min

A gay detective is hired to find who has been been threatening a notorious member of the gay community noted for outing people.

Shock to the System (2006) 1 hr 39 min

A gay detective tries to solve the murder of a college student.

On the Other Hand, Death (2008) 1 hr 26 min

A mysterious client of private eye Don Strachey pays him cash to tail a woman who turns out to be an undercover officer; an older lesbian couple are victims of threats and vandalism; an old flame of his lover Tim shows up to support the older couple; neighbors are angry at the couple for refusing to sell out to a developer; and, parents are angry at one of the couple, Dorothy, for being a good guidance counselor to gay teens. Her partner, Edith, wants to move away; Dorothy is adamant about staying. When someone dies in a fire in their barn, the stakes get higher. Don, who does not believe in coincidence, gives the police enough information to stay on their good side as he pursues the truth.

Ice Blues (2008) 1 hr 38 min

Tim Callahan, aide to New York Senator Lauren Platt, is disappointed that all of the $3 million funding has been pulled from his latest pet project, a safe zone for children and youth. His personal partner, private investigator Donald Strachey, believes Tim’s passion for the project stems from the fact of his own sister’s troubled youth, she who has been missing since age seventeen. Tim believes his prayers have been answered when a man, identifying himself as a lawyer, tells him that he represents someone who wants to make a $3 million anonymous donation to the project. Those prayers turn into a nightmare when that lawyer is later found murdered, the dead body in Donald’s car. The murdered man is Jake Lenigan, a third generation lawyer in a powerful family law firm. Jake’s father was murdered twelve years earlier, the perceived suspect in that case being his wife Joan, who has since disappeared. Tim and Donald’s situation becomes even more nightmarish when Tim anonymously receives that $3 million in untraceable Euro bonds. The murderer will do whatever is necessary to get that money back from Tim and Donald, the latter who is working with the police to find Lenigan’s purpose in wanting to donate the money to Tim’s cause, find if Jake’s father’s murder has anything to do with this case, discover the owner of the money and thus the probable murderer, and most importantly protect himself and his boyfriend from being possible murder victims.

 

 

 

Somewhere Between (2017)

From IMDB:

A local news producer is given one chance to relive a deadly week and stop a serial killer. If she fails, she’ll lose her daughter forever.

From Netflix:

While investigating a serial killer, strange coincidences begin to pile up around news producer Laura. Suddenly, her daughter disappears.

From Netflix you can stream 8 episodes of this TV thriller. Each episode lasts about 43 minutes.

Give this production B or, if you are feeling generous, B+.  Why the negativity on my part?  Don’t misunderstand me, I binged from one suspenseful episode to the next. But in order to let the good guys win and the bad guys lose, this plot will supply as many implausible or impossible details as it takes to succeed.  As an example,  in one comical device that is used several times, our heroes are submerged in water and can hold their breath for practically an entire episode. Perhaps I exaggerate, but you get the idea.

If any of the actors managed to steal the show, it was the 8 year old Serena (played to smart aleck perfection by Aria Birch) who plays the daughter of the news producer Laura Price.

At least a whole raft of unknown actors got a chance to perform.

Rest assured, after watching all the bad guys come to their well earned demise,  you can enjoy a happy sappy ending.