Category Archives: B-movie

The Noel Diary (2022)

From IMDB:

The story of a man who returns home on Christmas to settle his estranged mother’s estate. Once there, he discovers a diary that may hold secrets to his own past and of a beautiful young woman on a mysterious journey of her own.

From Netflix:

Cleaning out his childhood home at Christmas, a novelist meets a
woman searching for her birth mother. Will an old diary unlock
their pasts — and hearts?

From Netlix you can stream this 1 hour 40 minute romance drama.

While a step up from a Hallmark Hall of Fame presentation, this is still in the same vein.  Of course the famous popular writer Jacob Turner (played by Justin Hartley) will eventually fall in love with Rachel (played by Barrett Doss).

And no, I have never heard of any of the actors.

Still, it is a relief from all the omnipresent violent entertainment in today’s streaming choices.

And it is NOT sappy.

The Adjustment Bureau (2011)

From Amazon Prime:

A prominent politician meets a beautiful ballerina and instantly falls in love. However, when mysterious men conspire to keep the pair apart, he is forced to make the wrenching choice between his predetermined path and the only woman he has ever loved.

From Amazon Prime you can stream this 1 hour 46 minute romantic fantasy film.

Matt Damon has managed to keep getting acting roles.  As a person he is very appealing while as an actor he is so-so.  Speaking of so-so, so is this foolish plot. Supposedly there is this supernatural bureaucracy that plots the life of each person and keeps that plot in some magical notebook.  Need I go on?

Pleasant enough to watch. Give it a B minus.

Killers (2010)

From Amazon Prime:

Spencer Aimes (Ashton Kutcher) is just your average, undercover, government-hired super-assassin. When he meets Jen Kornfeldt (Katherine Heigl), he finds true love… Enjoying a picture-perfect marriage, Spencer becomes the target of a multi-million dollar hit. Now Spencer and Jen are on the run for their lives.

From Amazon Prime you can stream this 1 hour 40 minute complete film.

Why brood over Putin’s invasion of the Ukraine when you could waste some quality time watching this B+ rom-com violent piece of cinematic fluff?

Did I mention that this film is violent from start to finish?  However, as bizarre as it sounds, the constant shooting, car chases, and martial arts fighting are not to be taken seriously and are really part of the fun.

Tom Selleck plays Tom Selleck, which actually works well in this plot.

Moreover, everyone except the scores of dead people live happily ever after.

Red Notice (2021)

From Netflix:

An FBI profiler pursuing the world’s most wanted art thief
becomes his reluctant partner in crime to catch an elusive
crook who’s always one step ahead.

From Netflix you can stream this 2 hour complete film.

Brainless but fun, what else would you expect from a combination like Dwayne Johnson and Ryan Reynolds?   Both of them have found their cinematic niche – stupid action films.

Funny bromance banter,  great action (the body doubles are capable athletes),  some surprising plot twists, explosive digital effects, and the usual requirement to suspend disbelief all provide the entertainment.

Popcorn and a cessation of cerebral activity make for a fun watch.

Hollywood (2020)

From Netflix:

While waiting for his big break, aspiring movie star Jack Castello accepts a job at a local service station that pumps more than just gas.

From Netflix you can stream the 7 episodes of this soap opera. Each episode runs between 45 and 58 minutes.

Maudlin. Salacious. Corny. Subtle as a brick. Clichéd. Barely acceptable trash. Maudlin. Raunchy. Preachy. Woke. Terrible acting. Production errors.  And the list could go on.

My college freshman rhetoric teacher suggested that in order to better appreciate good examples of a given art discipline such as literature, music, and film, it helps to experience the bad examples. Well, with this film we now have a golden opportunity to experience one of the lesser achievements of the movie industry.

“Golden Tip Gasoline” is a gas pumping station that doubles as a gas pimping station for the young male gas attendants who will “fill your tank” if the customer uses the code word “dreamland”, no matter if that customer is male or female.   Not only all these attendants but also their boss and some customers have Hollywood aspirations. One way for such a gas pumper to get his start is to service those customers who are part of the Hollywood management nobility. Instead of casting couches it seems there were casting nozzles.

Rather than merely prurient attractions, this story offers a noble sub-theme: No longer would the film industry suppress black,  gay, and women actors.

Indeed from the goings-on we might suspect that half of Hollywood consisted of closeted gays .  As an example: One client, say Jake, is so stupid that when he drives up to engage Archie Coleman he can’t remember the word “Dreamland”. But they hook up and eventually fall in love.  Jake is told he cannot act. Nonetheless he forges ahead.  Because he could not remember two lines, his first screen text required 67 takes. Because Jake is as handsome as he is stupid, some producer accepts him but says “Jake” is not an acceptable screen name and must be changed to ROCK HUDSON (get it?). His boyfriend Archie is a black man (horrors!) who wants to become a screen writer. Camille Washington is a black woman (even worse!) who wants to have some screen role other than playing a maid (uppity!). And so it goes on and on for 7 episodes.

Is this a satire? Have I missed something here?

If you can last till episode 7, which is aptly named “A Hollywood Ending”,  you will be rewarded with a happy, sappy ending. Amen!

But just remember I LOVE TRASH!

Velvet Buzzsaw (2019)

From Netflix:

A feared critic, an icy gallery owner and an ambitious assistant snap up a recently deceased artist’s stash of paintings — with dire consequences.

From Netflix you can stream this 1 hour 52 minute horror of a film.

Perhaps the first horror is that  an accomplished actor such as Jake Gyllenhaal allowed himself to appear in this schlock festival.  Perhaps the second horror is that I allowed myself to watch the entire mess.

Imagine Gyllenhaal appearing as an effete, almost effeminate bisexual art critic. At first I did not recognize him.  As a first guess maybe he needed the money. Or maybe he just wanted to add a horror film to his remarkable resumé.

If there is an underlying theme in the film, it is that the collective of art critics here are a rare species that speak an inscrutable art language consisting of meaningless gibberish while all the time they are really only interested in fooling their clients into spending vast sums of money.

Alas, their greed is their undoing!

If you can afford to waste two hours of your life, then have at it!

 

Agatha Christie’s Crooked House (2017)

From IMDB:

In Agatha Christie’s most twisted tale, a spy-turned-private-detective is lured by his former lover to catch her grandfather’s murderer before Scotland Yard exposes dark family secrets.

From Netflix you can stream this 2 hour complete film.

Both aging actors and young players unite to produce a classic  but somewhat dull and badly acted Agatha Christie mystery story. Among the aged are Glenn Close (elegant and beautiful),  Gillian Anderson (tired in a really ugly black wig), Terence Stamp (what an immense resumé) , and Julian Sands.  Gillian Anderson has done herself no favor with her exaggerated (embarrassing?) performance.

Except for finally learning which of these awful people is the killer, there is not much to gain is watching this sad, mediocre work.

 

The Break (2018)

From Netflix:

Soon after arriving in Heiderfeld, inspector Yoann Peeters is called to the scene of a suspected suicide and begins uncovering troubling details

From Netflix you can stream the 10 episodes of Season 2 of this French (English subtitles) crime soap-opera.  Each episode lasts about 50 minutes.

SECOND REVIEW: Please note that there is already a review for Season 1 which is dated 2016.  To appreciate Season 2 you should first watch Season 1.  My review for Season 1 raves positively and might now be taken with a grain of salt.  It is still true that I was so taken with the plot, characters, and mystery that I once again binged on the series. However, this time let me be a bit more critical.

For adjectives describing this strange-fest consider: exaggerated, corny, repetitive, histrionic,  improbable, riddled with inconsistencies,  and ending in a questionable conclusion.  How’s that for damning with praise?

So what is so watch-worthy?  For one thing the cast consists of some of the more peculiar non-Hollywood characters I have ever seen.  All names hereafter are the character names because it is unlikely that any of the French and Dutch actors will be familiar.  Dany Bastin is the center of attention as the accused.  He is a skinny young man whose entire body is marked by a severe case of psoriasis.  When was the last time you saw an actor with truly repellent skin? He, his brother Christian, his brother’s wife Zoe, and his mother all seem to be underfed, sub-intelligent, unattractive, poverty-stricken  members of some lower order of humans.  Astrid du Tilleul is the wealthy, nasty, dissolute, drug addict murder victim. Her jealous sister Astrid and Astrid’s husband are the oddest looking pair of scheming and murderous morons to hit the screen.  Even dumber are some of the police officers.  At least one officer, Marjorie, is, however,  honest despite her physical unattractiveness.  Not so honest is her partner.

On and on and on goes the series. Yet somehow I was eagerly drawn to each episode (like a moth to a burning candle?)  If my description has not yet turned you away from this mess,  just have fun watching the exaggerated set of unlikely events.  You won’t know “who done it” until the very end.

Donald Strachey (2005)

From Amazon Prime you can stream the following 4 films whose main character is the gay detective Donald Strachey.

To rate each of these films as B+ is generous.  Think of them as an amusing and diverting series of acceptable trash.  Plots can be complicated.  Throughout the series you will see the same actors in the major roles.  Any mild suspense is short-lived.

Third Man Out (2005) 1 hr 39 min

A gay detective is hired to find who has been been threatening a notorious member of the gay community noted for outing people.

Shock to the System (2006) 1 hr 39 min

A gay detective tries to solve the murder of a college student.

On the Other Hand, Death (2008) 1 hr 26 min

A mysterious client of private eye Don Strachey pays him cash to tail a woman who turns out to be an undercover officer; an older lesbian couple are victims of threats and vandalism; an old flame of his lover Tim shows up to support the older couple; neighbors are angry at the couple for refusing to sell out to a developer; and, parents are angry at one of the couple, Dorothy, for being a good guidance counselor to gay teens. Her partner, Edith, wants to move away; Dorothy is adamant about staying. When someone dies in a fire in their barn, the stakes get higher. Don, who does not believe in coincidence, gives the police enough information to stay on their good side as he pursues the truth.

Ice Blues (2008) 1 hr 38 min

Tim Callahan, aide to New York Senator Lauren Platt, is disappointed that all of the $3 million funding has been pulled from his latest pet project, a safe zone for children and youth. His personal partner, private investigator Donald Strachey, believes Tim’s passion for the project stems from the fact of his own sister’s troubled youth, she who has been missing since age seventeen. Tim believes his prayers have been answered when a man, identifying himself as a lawyer, tells him that he represents someone who wants to make a $3 million anonymous donation to the project. Those prayers turn into a nightmare when that lawyer is later found murdered, the dead body in Donald’s car. The murdered man is Jake Lenigan, a third generation lawyer in a powerful family law firm. Jake’s father was murdered twelve years earlier, the perceived suspect in that case being his wife Joan, who has since disappeared. Tim and Donald’s situation becomes even more nightmarish when Tim anonymously receives that $3 million in untraceable Euro bonds. The murderer will do whatever is necessary to get that money back from Tim and Donald, the latter who is working with the police to find Lenigan’s purpose in wanting to donate the money to Tim’s cause, find if Jake’s father’s murder has anything to do with this case, discover the owner of the money and thus the probable murderer, and most importantly protect himself and his boyfriend from being possible murder victims.

 

 

 

Somewhere Between (2017)

From IMDB:

A local news producer is given one chance to relive a deadly week and stop a serial killer. If she fails, she’ll lose her daughter forever.

From Netflix:

While investigating a serial killer, strange coincidences begin to pile up around news producer Laura. Suddenly, her daughter disappears.

From Netflix you can stream 8 episodes of this TV thriller. Each episode lasts about 43 minutes.

Give this production B or, if you are feeling generous, B+.  Why the negativity on my part?  Don’t misunderstand me, I binged from one suspenseful episode to the next. But in order to let the good guys win and the bad guys lose, this plot will supply as many implausible or impossible details as it takes to succeed.  As an example,  in one comical device that is used several times, our heroes are submerged in water and can hold their breath for practically an entire episode. Perhaps I exaggerate, but you get the idea.

If any of the actors managed to steal the show, it was the 8 year old Serena (played to smart aleck perfection by Aria Birch) who plays the daughter of the news producer Laura Price.

At least a whole raft of unknown actors got a chance to perform.

Rest assured, after watching all the bad guys come to their well earned demise,  you can enjoy a happy sappy ending.